Because I Wanted to Be a Teacher
I never wanted to go into the military. I'm a pacifist at heart. I don't like guns, or noise, or angry people. War is terrifying to me, and the idea that I would ever be on a front line (or a rear line, or anywhere in between) is laughable. I would break and run at the first sign of an enemy.
I never wanted to be a police officer. I'm afraid of bad guys. I would most likely choose conversation and negotiation in any given situation, and I understand that sometimes it's necessary for police to make a different call. I'm not so great at making decisions under pressure. I procrastinate a little.
I never wanted to be a judge. I don't like the idea of having to make decisions that will determine the outcome of the rest of a person's life, of trying to balance reality with constitutional law, of deciding how to make a punishment fit a crime.
I never wanted to be a doctor. The power to hold life and death in your hands is just a bit too much for me. I am happy to make decisions about my body, my family, my life, but to do that for someone else's life... that is more than I am comfortable with.
I never wanted to be a hunter. My husband wants me to be. I can shoot, but I don't like to. I can cook delicious meals from game animals, but I don't have any desire to hunt myself. Every year when he brings deer home from the woods, it makes me want to cry a little for the loss of an innocent life.
But I wanted to be a teacher. I wanted to be on the front lines in the battle against ignorance. I wanted to help shape tomorrow's good guys; to help students to make good decisions that will stick with them for the rest of their lives. I wanted to raise up tomorrow's doctors, and to help create a new generation that will cry a little for the loss of an innocent life.
Somewhere, that got lost.
Somehow, our schools have become the front line of a war. Days like today, it is impossible to not imagine what the hall would look like littered with bodies. To imagine seeing the faces of my 8th graders, laughing and animated, stilled forever from a war they never saw coming.
Some would appoint me a police officer for that day, because statistics say it is coming. Place a gun in my hand, and charge me with protecting the children. Kill the bad guy. Be the good guy.
Judgments on that day will be placed into my hands: Decide if it's safe to run. Decide to hide. Decide to fight back. Decide to throw my body in front of someone else's child. Decide if I try to make it to my own child's side (we are in the same building).
The decisions I make on that day will have life or death consequences, but there will be no discussion. There will be no time to talk about the choices, or to weigh the possibilities. I will choose, and one or many of my students could die. Innocent lives will be lost. And no matter what decisions I make or do not make, blood will be on my hands.
I never wanted this.
Because you told me I must be...
A soldier.
A police officer.
A judge.
A doctor.
A hunter.
Because I wanted to be a teacher.
I never wanted to be a police officer. I'm afraid of bad guys. I would most likely choose conversation and negotiation in any given situation, and I understand that sometimes it's necessary for police to make a different call. I'm not so great at making decisions under pressure. I procrastinate a little.
I never wanted to be a judge. I don't like the idea of having to make decisions that will determine the outcome of the rest of a person's life, of trying to balance reality with constitutional law, of deciding how to make a punishment fit a crime.
I never wanted to be a doctor. The power to hold life and death in your hands is just a bit too much for me. I am happy to make decisions about my body, my family, my life, but to do that for someone else's life... that is more than I am comfortable with.
I never wanted to be a hunter. My husband wants me to be. I can shoot, but I don't like to. I can cook delicious meals from game animals, but I don't have any desire to hunt myself. Every year when he brings deer home from the woods, it makes me want to cry a little for the loss of an innocent life.
But I wanted to be a teacher. I wanted to be on the front lines in the battle against ignorance. I wanted to help shape tomorrow's good guys; to help students to make good decisions that will stick with them for the rest of their lives. I wanted to raise up tomorrow's doctors, and to help create a new generation that will cry a little for the loss of an innocent life.
Somewhere, that got lost.
Somehow, our schools have become the front line of a war. Days like today, it is impossible to not imagine what the hall would look like littered with bodies. To imagine seeing the faces of my 8th graders, laughing and animated, stilled forever from a war they never saw coming.
Some would appoint me a police officer for that day, because statistics say it is coming. Place a gun in my hand, and charge me with protecting the children. Kill the bad guy. Be the good guy.
Judgments on that day will be placed into my hands: Decide if it's safe to run. Decide to hide. Decide to fight back. Decide to throw my body in front of someone else's child. Decide if I try to make it to my own child's side (we are in the same building).
The decisions I make on that day will have life or death consequences, but there will be no discussion. There will be no time to talk about the choices, or to weigh the possibilities. I will choose, and one or many of my students could die. Innocent lives will be lost. And no matter what decisions I make or do not make, blood will be on my hands.
I never wanted this.
Because you told me I must be...
A soldier.
A police officer.
A judge.
A doctor.
A hunter.
Because I wanted to be a teacher.
Wow. Those are powerful words I can identify with completely. If I were still teaching, and guns came to my school, I'd have to change careers. That's all there is to it. Where there are guns, there's violence and stress. I know people hunt. But we don't hunt in schools. I'm sorry this conversation has come to schools. It focuses on fear and negative -- instead of dealing with the children and adults who are hurting inside. That focus would be Christian, would be helpful, would be positive and begin to erase the stigma of mental illness. It would be positive and hopeful. That's the kind of world I want -- not this. I hope you never have to make a choice. Great post.
ReplyDeleteOh Christy,
ReplyDeleteHopefully, we would not have guns in our classrooms and we will continue to be the teachers. Your poem gives voice to the heartbreak many of us, no cross that out, make it most of us feel. Thank YOU for giving voice to the pain. Your words spear me. Keep writing and sharing.
Purviben
Christi, this post should be sent all over because why should the educators be placed in positions that they did not opt for. Our job is to educate the minds and hearts of youth in a positive environment. I remember when I was a very little girl and we had to hide under our desks for air raid drills. What I felt never left me.
ReplyDelete